I'm that person who holds the line up

You've seen the commercial. Everything's moving at the speed of light with customers doing a synchronized dance around the store and smoothly moving through the checkout by swiping their credit card thingie...

I'm the one who makes the music come to a stop and everyone in line has a chain reaction rear-ender accident -- because I'm the one who has to write a check. I almost forgot HOW to write a check since I opened my account 2 years ago and have never even finished the first book of checks because there was no need to write one since I got the debit card for the account, too.

I have no choice. I apologize if you find that I'm in front of you fumbly farting around trying to get to a blank check and looking for a pen. I hate those people and now I are one.

I took my MRI'd debit card to the bank and they gave me the bad news. They got the test results back from the radiologist and my card is DEAD. I was beside myself. He had his whole life ahead of him, my debit card did, but he was struck down in his prime, and there's just no reason why it should be that way. I mourn him terribly.

His Uncle Check Book is living in the olden days and I hate lugging that clunky sucker around. I have to keep hearing his stories about "in my day, before there WERE any ATM contraptions, everyone had to know how to write and carry a pen!" Sheesh!

Anyhow, the people at my bank were beside themselves with hysteria. I told the death by MRI story to one lady and she had to gather all the other bank employees to hear it all over again. It was a slow day at the bank. I was their only customer at the time. Apparently there's not much need for people to go into the bank any more. Seems they are all out swiping their debit cards and never giving a second thought to their magnetic strip that is the single thin line that separates them from living the retro horror story that my life has become. The poor sots in the dark cave-like space of the bank's interior actually seemed starved for outside contact.

I'm really glad that I could serve my fellow citizens by uplifting the spirits of the bank employees and leaving them with a grin on their faces that was equal and opposite to the frown on mine. 7-10 days to replace the card?? Are they serious? I mean, they have that scanny thingie right there on the desk so they can change the pin. Can't they get the dude behind the curtain to give my card a brain again?

Oh well. It's really put a damper on my spending habits because I hate using checks so maybe it's a good thing. I'll have plenty of cash built up in the account when I get the new card and have to go break it in with a mad swiping frenzy.

NOTE TO SELF: Remember NOT to leave cards in pocket at next MRI. (I know it is a stretch to think I will remember this for a year, but maybe the agony of check writing will sufficiently warp my psyche so that I cannot forget).